Day 5

Transcribed by my Aunt.... please ignore the grammar. 

I feel  like Philip and I had an empathic connection. Of course that means we would finish each others sentences and laugh at the same things… we were raised together. But there was a deeper level to it: we wouldn’t just see something and laugh, we’d see something random and we would think the same things…  and start laughing.

My anxiety issues have been a constant struggle for the past few years, and though I don’t mean to say that all of those anxiety problems come from empathy with Philip, but they have gotten so much worse since he joined the Air Force. Yes, the pressure of missing him could be to blame, but I’ve been borderline unstable for 2-3 years now.  I’ve almost felt like there were two sets of feelings I was dealing with– random emotions would pop up in my heart that I couldn’t find a stimulus for at the moment. 

That burden is gone now. I haven’t felt emotional clarity like this in a few years. I feel like myself for the first time in a long time. This past Sunday, my boyfriend and I got in a fight over something little and stupid, but it just tore me apart. It shouldn’t have generated such strong negative emotions, and yet I was just so sad and destructively angry. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless and this whole set of just crappy emotions all day on Monday, and I went to sleep with tears in my eyes even though the conflict with my boyfriend had been resolved. Tuesday, I woke up and I just felt … I don’t know.  Lighter. Even before that, there have been other times when we would talk and we would discover that we had both been dealing with negative stuff at the same time. We would go through the same little bouts of depression or self questioning at the same times. Bad breakups, suicidal self doubt, crushing hopelessness…  our most devastating emotional traumas always happened in sync. It wasn’t just that we shared emotions, but we transferred them. I know it sounds crazy, but he and I were such emotionally charged people in general.  I think that he and I were kind of ying and yang with it. I am the one who feels for other people so quickly. I’m everybody’s therapist, everybody’s shoulder to cry on. He was more of a projector. All of the wonderful stories about how positive he made people feel … it was just this cloud around him, an aura. His emotions were contagious. If he was sad you could feel it. If he was happy you were happy too.

I’ve felt for so long that I’ve been trying to watch a tv that’s showing 2 channels simultaneously, but all of a sudden, there’s only one.

On Tuesday, I woke up and felt at peace. Peace for myself, and I don’t know… for him too.