Do NOT play Monopoly.

I live in a house with 3 guys. Under normal circumstances, that would suck. Boys are messy, smelly, loud and stupid (aka very bad roommates), but my roomies are fantastic. They're usually clean, occasionally nice-smelling and smart (they're still loud as hell, but I can deal with the bass). About once a week we all gather together to drink beer and play games like Yahtzee, Uno, Scattergories, etc. and it's great fun. Well, the other night we decided to play Monopoly....... bad idea.

All four of us were initially excited due to the fact that we hadn't played the game in ages, and on a whim, we'd purchased a few rounds of Four Lokos to replace our normal 30-pack of (insert shitty domestic light beer). If you've never had the joy of consuming a Four Loko (hereafter referred to as "crazy serum"), let me catch you up to speed: DON'T EVER FUCKING DRINK IT. EVER. It will turn you into an unrecognizable ball of fury and disaster and bad grammar. Furthermore, definitely do not play Monopoly while consuming aforementioned crazy serum.

Here's why:

you know how when you don't notice someone landing on St. Charles Place and the next person rolls so you don't get to collect rent and that's kind of irritating? Yeah, well take that mild "aw crap" and add some crazy serum and you will become Godzilla. I'm not kidding. You will turn into a giant lizard and start eating people. I told you, don't drink that stuff.

But I digress... Imagine those minor irritations escalating as certain roommates of yours who are secretly professional Monopoly players somehow end up with like NINE FUCKING HOTELS while all you have are 2 Railroads and Baltic Avenue, and you've been drinking crazy serum for an hour and a half, and there's a spray bottle filled with water within reach (we have cats).... I think you can see where this is going. But just in case you don't, I'll spell it out for you! So then a squirt-bottle fight ensues, and you know how they say "it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye?" That's a lie. It should say something more like "it's all fun and games until someone starts to get really tired of being sprayed in the face and decides to kill you." THEN someone pours beer on your head and you get mad and then they get mad and kick a table through a wall and someone ends up sleeping on the bathroom floor because sleeping ON the toilet isn't easy, but they tried, and there's lots of yelling and you know what? It's bad any way you slice it.

The next morning is never very much fun either... especially when you spend it in the ER, but that's a blog for another day.

My roommates and I have since burned that horrid game and sworn to never drink Four Lokos again. For your sake, as well as the world's, don't play Monopoly.