Dream Life

My perception of reality has become so skewed the past few days... maybe its the new years induced binge drinking, maybe its the stressful atmosphere my home has become since the last hours of 2010, but for whatever reason, I can't keep reality and my dreams sorted out.

I had a dream last night that I was sitting next to Sully in a circle of people I vaguely know. We were all sitting in folding chairs in some sort of classroom, and we were laughing and taking turns choosing topics to discuss, and when it was my turn, I looked at the door to the room and saw two people standing there... two people who have been my truest, dearest friends and who have loved me without hesitation and who knew/know me better than anyone on this planet, the two friends I had hurt and betrayed and abandoned when I needed them the most: Isaac and Paul. Dream-Isaac waved; he was the friend I had abandoned many years ago but have since returned to a sort of halfway friendship with. He smiled and snickered a little as I turned my attention back to the group and loudly said "ok, who's been a little gay in the past????" and laughed and watched the others raise their hands or call out to each other in response, but I wasn't really watching. My eyes wandered back to the doorway, where now only dream-Paul remained. The look on his face was one of great sadness but understanding. He shrugged and turned away. I know I'd hurt them both in the past, but this new betrayal was so fresh in my mind that the guilt was overwhelming. I stood up to chase after him and apologize and beg for forgiveness and say "I didn't really mean it!!" But Sully was at my side, holding me down with an arm around my shoulders and a smile. But he wasn't really holding me down, he was reminding me why I wanted to stay in my chair. There are far too many similarities to my real life to even begin to analyze that one.

I also had a dream that I got fired for bringing my pet ostrich to work with me and I eventually sword fought my manager to the death in order to keep my job. Weird. I won't analyze that one either.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I sat on the couch in the dark and in the silence with a glass of water and just thought thought thought. I daydreamed about what life would be like if this that or the other thing were different and what my future will look like if things stay the way they are now and if I'm really happy and what do I really want etc etc etc. I came up with all sorts of scenarios and daydreams and now I'm having trouble sorting out what were conscious thoughts and what were random, dream induced madness. I'm pretty sure the ostrich one was a normal dream, but then again, I've had crazier daydreams....

I'll return to my funny stories in a few days, but for now my life is a little topsy turvy and I'm way too emo and confused to be funny. Oh well. The ostrich dream was funny, right? I didn't come up with purposely, but whatever.