Easter

My mom gave me a giant chocolate bunny for Easter. It is now the day after Easter and all that's left of the bunny is one of his feet. I like chocolate.

That is all.

Crap. I'm acting like a grown up again.

This is getting bad. I cleaned today. Like really cleaned. I dusted. I vacuumed. I organized my desk and my closet..... I think I'm coming down with something. My dear laptop sat here all day, whirring and clicking in a most tempting way, but I didn't even care! I think I had some sort of seizure or fit. There's no other explanation. I never clean like that.

Well, ok, that's a lie. I used to do it 2-3 times a week when I lived in Florida. But that's only because my roommates were slightly messier than I was (which is hard to imagine now, because I'm the messiest person I know). Now Sully is a different story. I say he's a neat freak, but it's more of an OCD thing than an inherently tidy nature. He'll notice something is dirty and ignore it for a few days and then explode into a full fledged cleaning marathon. It's fun to witness, although it makes me tired just watching him. He'll fly around the apartment like a tornado on opposite day... leaving behind order where there once was chaos and dirt.

Today, victory is mine. I was the tornado today. When Sully comes home from work, he'll see that everything is clean and pretty, and maybe he'll be able to veg out and relax for once. Although... I didn't make the bed. It's pointless. It's much too comfortable of a bed to avoid for long.... it'll get messed up in an hour anyway. So if he wants to make the bed when he gets home, he can go right ahead. I think it's a stupid practice and I really don't understand WHY people freak out about the bed being made... anyway, he can make the bed but that's the last not-cleaned thing in the whole damn apartment.

I have tomorrow off too... I don't know what I'm going to do. The whole house is clean, all of my laundry is done, my friends are working or out of town... Maybe I'll get crafty and make stuff. Maybe I'll write 30 new blog posts. Maybe I'll go to the gym.... hahahahaha yeah right.

I know! I'll finally beat the last few levels in LEGO Batman! That will be satisfying, seeing that "100% completion" icon. I like finishing things, even if I rarely do.

I may be acting like a grown up, but I'll always be a kid at heart. HOLY CRAP I HEAR THE ICE CREAM TRUCK. kbye.

Music in the dark

Jake's asleep. It seems very peaceful in this apartment with no overhead lights on, the cats asleep on the couch beside me, mellow music turned low, barely audible over the rhythmic sound of my fingers across the keys... just me and my laptop in a silent apartment. These late hours are the most sacred ones. When everyone else is asleep, there's no one around to impress, to pay attention to. I can get lost in my own thoughts, nothing to distract me. For the hundredth time I toy with questions about my future. What do I want to be when I grow up? Am I already grown up? Should I be disappointed in myself for the way I'm living my life? Should I be striving for more? Or would it be ok if I just lived this life for a bit while I'm still young enough to be carefree? My mind chases itself in circles of speculation and "what if" scenarios.

Funny thing is... I just tried to start typing "I'm so happy with my life right now," but I can't seem to make it ring true. I'm not necessarily unhappy, but I'm certainly bored. I don't have many close friends, my job is a complete dead end, I'm not pursuing any higher education, I'm not a parent or spouse... the only dependents of mine are the furry, four-legged kind. So what now? Where do I go from here? I don't know the answer to my own question, but I do know that this isn't it. This is not the climax of my plot line. I know there is more that is well within my reach, but I've yet to uncover the motive to reach for it in the first place. Does that make me a typical American? Too lazy to do what would come easily? Or does that make me very un-American, that I'm not driven to achieve the American dream that is sewn into my genes? Either way, I'm a 21 year old girl who waits tables for a living but breezed onto the Dean's list in all 3 semesters of college I completed... I didn't drop out because I was lazy, I dropped out because my life fell apart, and though I keep telling myself that I've gotten it all back together... is that really true? I seem to have stumbled along the way and dropped my ambition. I wanted to be a journalist, a reporter... I wanted to have my eyes in ears in all the best places. But now, waiting tables for the rest of my life doesn't sound quite as bad as it used to. I'm a little scared.

How many people lose themselves in a time of crisis and never really recover? But then one could argue that people are evolving all the time and no one can ever find themselves because it's impossible to lose onesself in the first place. I cringe to think anyone would accuse me of quoting Ke$ha but, alas, I must.

We are who we are.