For you, Jade.

Miss Jade Danielle Matthews,

You're awesome. Seriously. You rock my socks. If I was the same age as you, and we were in school together, you'd be the cool girl I'd try to be friends with, even though I'm a total nerd. That's how cool I think you are.

Thanks for being so nice to me when I first met you. I was so nervous to meet you... I know from experience with Phil that if little sister doesn't approve, girlfriend gets kicked to the curb. I'm glad you've given Jake permission to date me.

Please continue to be as cool as you are. You're one of my favorite people....like, ever. I'm looking forward to you and your friends coming and spending the night here so we can play Call of Duty and LEGO Harry Potter together and eat that pint of Ben & Jerry's I promised you.

Love,

Your big sister :)

For you, Sully.

September 3, 2011

Well, my fabulous tan is finally fading. What a summer it's been. Vegas, St. George Island, Chicago, the move to Jacksonville, FL. How we scraped the pennies to do all of it, I'll never figure out.

Although I'll never be able to pick a favorite part, it was so good to finally meet my little twin cousins... they're a year old now, I can barely believe it. After I showed Sully all the best parts of Chicago... street festivals where my uncle's band performed, Millennium Park, The Shedd Aquarium, the fabulous architecture, Navy Pier, all the wonderful places from my childhood... he was just as smitten with the Windy City as I am. BUT we're not really into the whole "pay $17,000,000 a month just to live in a crappy studio in Southside" so we decided to move to Jacksonville instead. But we'll get to that later...

Vegas, oh Vegas.... what happens there stays there, right? As much as I'd like to say that Sully and I won thousands of dollars in the casinos, the truth of the matter is we blew most of our savings on that trip. But holy crap was it worth it. The casinos, the clubs, the shows... all of it was exactly like I'd been dreaming. Granted, most of it is now a drunken blur, but the pictures prove we had a great time.

The beach? Well that was just plain fantastic. The usual stuff, getting sunburned while drinking on the beach, getting sunburned while drinking on the boat, getting sunburned while drinking out on the tiny town... getting stoned on the beach at 3 am with my mother... just kidding! But wouldn't that be awesome? It was a very relaxing trip, and I know my brother and new sister in law needed some time away from real life before the baby gets here (in just another month!!!!). I know my mom loved having all the kids there with her, after all, we were there to celebrate her 50th birthday, so it was all about mom. :)

I can hardly believe we've been in Jacksonville for almost a month now. It still seems like we just got the keys to our new place. The cats are still getting used to having the extra square footage and another bedroom (wow!) to run around in. I've been making excellent money waiting tables here, but it's kinda what I do. Sully is making friends quickly, like he always does, and his little sister has plans to come stay with us for a long weekend in a couple of months. Life is hectic and crazy, but I love it.

January 25, 2011

That's how I want things to go down. But no matter how it all works out, it's going to be a fun summer.

Parenting. Or not.

People, we need to have a talk. If you have children, please make sure they are housebroken before taking them into public places, especially restaurants. Housebroken means a few things: being able to feed yourself without dumping 87% of your meal on the floor OR being fed by an adult, being able to answer direct questions with your inside voice, being able to stay in your chair for the duration of the meal (excluding the inevitable 9 trips to the bathroom), and being able to keep your hands to yourself when your waitress has a huge tray of food precariously balanced on one hand. Now parents, contrary to popular belief, it is YOUR responsibility to train your offspring to be human, not the school system, not the day care center, not the TV.... it's all on you. So when your child starts yelling at a waitress or cashier like some 5 year old tyrant, maybe you need to go buy some parenting books, because YOU ARE FAILING. In rare cases, there are children who have disorders or disabilities that make yelling at random adults acceptable, but little boy whom I almost murdered with my bare hands last night is not one of them.

So I walk up to the table...

"Hi! My name is Kaitlyn, I'll be your server this evening. Just to let you know, we have some specials to--"

"UMMMMM"

"-night that I'd like to tell you about--"

"UMMMMMMMMM"

"Can I get you guys something to drink?"

"UMMMM I WAAAAANT VAULT. PEACH."

"Ok, a peach vault for the little guy" (the little guy being about 5 or 6). I turn to the parents to get their drink order...

"NOOOOOO!!!!! I SAID VAULT!!!! PEAAAAACH!!!!! WAAAAAAAH!!!!!" No exaggeration folks. This kid literally screamed at me at the top of his tiny lungs because he thought Vault peach and peach Vault were two different things. And what did the parents do? Blush and hurry to quiet the unruly child? Apologize to me and threaten the young one with a spanking? No no no. Of course not. This woman actually laughed in that "oh he's so cute isn't he?" kind of way and then looked at me and said "vault peach for him hehehehe" like she was PROUD of the little monster!!!!! I stared at her completely expressionless until the father (who was very fat and had a lazy eye, no joke) mumbled something that sounded like "diet coke."

I fetched their beverages and returned to the table. The little boy had a kids menu in front of him, which typically makes me assume he'd be ordering from the kids menu, right? And items from the kids menu get a kids sized drink, right? So what do I bring the peach Vault in? A kids cup, of course! This didn't fly with lazy eye jr.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHH I WANT A BIG CUPPPP!!!!! WAAAAAAAH!!!!"

This is not the first time this has happened to me, kids of that age are touchy about the dimensions of their plasticware. I smile knowingly, expecting the parents to step in and intervene in their child's public insanity. BUT THEY FUCKING MADE ME GET HIM A BIG CUP!!!! At this point, I was convinced the parents must be retarded. Like actually mentally handicapped. I almost pitied them for a moment and thought "wow, good for you guys! you made a kid and you're out in public all by yourselves! way to go!" but then the little shit says "UMMMM YOU FORGOT TO GIVE US STRAWS!!!" and the mother giggled and tousled his hair. No. Your kid is not cute. He's rude and bratty. Wake the fuck up.

And for the love of all that is holy, if you're bringing a 2 year old to a restaurant, please do one of two things. Either monitor your child so he doesn't make a huge mess, or leave more than TEN PERCENT for a tip. Actually, leave 18% because when I have to spend 10 minutes cleaning up after your messy kid, not only am I pissed off, but I'm losing money. The only way a server makes money is by turning tables quickly. So when one of my tables is out of commission because it's filthy from YOUR child and you've only left me $2 on $56.74, you've now cost me 2 tips. Neat.

Bottom line, people, you'd better be a good parent or a really good tipper, or karma is gonna kick you in the back of the head with a steel toed boot... or at least I'll be crossing my fingers that it does.

Lalalalalaaaaaa

I like to sing. Not the normal people version of singing which involves pitch and tune and melody, but the jam-out-in-my-car-like-I'm-on-drugs kind of singing. For example... I don't have the best range. I most certainly cannot hit the high notes, but that doesn't stop me from singing along with Kelly Clarkson and Katy Perry at the top of my lungs while on my way to work. And I don't just sing, I dance. Or flail. Whatever. I point to the windshield whenever I sing "you" and place my hand violently on my chest when I sing "me" and I make ridiculous faces to express the emotion of the song.

Anyone who has heard "But, Honestly" by the Foo Fighters can probably relate to this story...

So I'm driving to Walmart, jamming to Echoes, Silence, Patience, Grace (Foo Fighter's album) which is a pretty jamtastic album in general. Well, I turn it to But, Honestly and start to sing and bounce around and flail-dance as I pull into the parking lot. Quick fact about me... I have what I call music OCD. If you change a song before it's over, and especially you evil fuckers who listen to half a song, change it, half of another song, change it... I hate you. I really really really hate you. Because I do not like to stop listening until the song is OVER. Completely over. So... I pull into a parking spot between 2 huge trucks with no one in them and sit in my car to complete my listening experience. "I give it to you... I give it to you....." JAM OUT FREAKTASTIC AWESOME MUSIC WOOOO (listen to it on youtube 3:10 is what I'm talking about), and I'm in my car with the volume blasting, semi-headbanging, making funny faces and singing so loud that my eyes are closed. And then I start drumming on my steering wheel like I'm a badass... which I'm not. Once the song fades out, I turn to switch off the stereo and notice out of the corner of my eye that the big truck on my right has changed colors. Which means that in my mini seizure, the driver returned to his truck, left and another truck pulled in without me noticing. Well driver #2 sure noticed me. He was standing next to his vehicle, hand still on the door, staring at me open mouthed. This is the point when a normal person would get out of their car and start walking into Walmart, but there was no way in hell I was getting out of my car until he stopped staring at me. My face blood red, I fiddled with my phone and pretended to text or something until the guy got the hint and ambled off towards the entrance. I waited a full 3 minutes before exiting my car and going about my shopping. Driver #2, if you read this, you can just go to hell because I was jamming out to some quality music in the privacy of my little car and if you want to judge, then go judge someone else. So there.

But man oh man am I looking forward to the playlist of showtunes I have lined up for my commute to work today... better start warming up my voice!

Snow Day

I live in Georgia, where we rarely get enough snow to even count as snow. So when we do get those 4-5 inches of white fluffy stuff on the ground, people freak out. It doesn't help that in these parts, snow inevitably turns into treacherous black ice within a day of the pretty precipitation.

So today is a snow day. Sully was supposed to work all day, but his place of work is closed, and I'm still waiting to hear if Restaurant is going to make me come in to work at 5. But for now, it's a real life snow day.

I find myself thinking of my childhood today. Sully and I watched old school cartoons and made cinnamon rolls, and he crawled back in bed for a nap. We're going to play in the snow later, we had pizza for lunch and dinner yesterday, so I'm thinking we have 2 awesome sleds, courtesy of Papa John. I used to love sledding. I lived in Maryland when I was 6-10 years old, and the very first time I saw snow (I lived in Miami up until my 6th birthday) was the blizzard of '96 and we got FOUR FEET of snow. Four feet. That's taller than I was at the time. We have pictures somewhere of my brother smiling up at my mother from the backyard, all that was visible was his little head, and if you look closely, you can see the top of my hat next to him.

We lived in a subdivision on the shores of Lake Elkhorn in Columbia, Maryland, and there were the BEST sledding hills in the world a few hundred feet from our backyard. I remember building ramps out of snow and trying to go faster and farther as we sledded all day long. I remember coming inside and being ushered directly into the laundry room by Mom who demanded we take off all of our wet clothes and put them in the dryer. Hot chocolate and cartoons usually followed before we headed out for round 2 of sledding and snow ball fights and snow fort building and general frolicking. That was a fun winter. I have such vivid memories of sitting in front of the window with my mother and watching the fat snowflakes fall to the ground.

I remember that my brother lost one of his Mortal Kombat action figures in the snow that winter and I found it the next spring. I remember how my friend went a little too far on her sled and ended up in the lake. I remember the unbelievably cool igloo we built with the neighborhood kids and dads. I remember so many fun and happy things from those winters up North. Days like today put me back there, and I wear this nostalgic smile even as I sit at my laptop, listening to Sully snore.

And holy cow, I was google-ing to try and find pictures of the hills by Lake Elkhorn and I found a picture of my old house... too cool.

Dream Life

My perception of reality has become so skewed the past few days... maybe its the new years induced binge drinking, maybe its the stressful atmosphere my home has become since the last hours of 2010, but for whatever reason, I can't keep reality and my dreams sorted out.

I had a dream last night that I was sitting next to Sully in a circle of people I vaguely know. We were all sitting in folding chairs in some sort of classroom, and we were laughing and taking turns choosing topics to discuss, and when it was my turn, I looked at the door to the room and saw two people standing there... two people who have been my truest, dearest friends and who have loved me without hesitation and who knew/know me better than anyone on this planet, the two friends I had hurt and betrayed and abandoned when I needed them the most: Isaac and Paul. Dream-Isaac waved; he was the friend I had abandoned many years ago but have since returned to a sort of halfway friendship with. He smiled and snickered a little as I turned my attention back to the group and loudly said "ok, who's been a little gay in the past????" and laughed and watched the others raise their hands or call out to each other in response, but I wasn't really watching. My eyes wandered back to the doorway, where now only dream-Paul remained. The look on his face was one of great sadness but understanding. He shrugged and turned away. I know I'd hurt them both in the past, but this new betrayal was so fresh in my mind that the guilt was overwhelming. I stood up to chase after him and apologize and beg for forgiveness and say "I didn't really mean it!!" But Sully was at my side, holding me down with an arm around my shoulders and a smile. But he wasn't really holding me down, he was reminding me why I wanted to stay in my chair. There are far too many similarities to my real life to even begin to analyze that one.

I also had a dream that I got fired for bringing my pet ostrich to work with me and I eventually sword fought my manager to the death in order to keep my job. Weird. I won't analyze that one either.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I sat on the couch in the dark and in the silence with a glass of water and just thought thought thought. I daydreamed about what life would be like if this that or the other thing were different and what my future will look like if things stay the way they are now and if I'm really happy and what do I really want etc etc etc. I came up with all sorts of scenarios and daydreams and now I'm having trouble sorting out what were conscious thoughts and what were random, dream induced madness. I'm pretty sure the ostrich one was a normal dream, but then again, I've had crazier daydreams....

I'll return to my funny stories in a few days, but for now my life is a little topsy turvy and I'm way too emo and confused to be funny. Oh well. The ostrich dream was funny, right? I didn't come up with purposely, but whatever.